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 Post subject: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 11:30 am 
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Location: Oakland, CA
Found on the interwebs today:

A 60 year old man goes to the doctor for his checkup, and asks if he will live to be 90.

The doctor asked him if he smoke or drank or did drugs or had lots of kinky sex with strangers.

No, the man said, I don't do any of that.

The doctor said, "Why do you even give a shit then?"


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:06 pm 
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This thread should be put in entertainment or better yet the two forums entertainment and anything goes should be merged.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:07 pm 
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JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability!"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 11:36 am 
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lol @ your joke

at your advice, I moved the thread


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:49 pm 
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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi-Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink" Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:02 pm 
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Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence.


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:58 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:59 pm 
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Dog walks past store with sign in window that advertises for an administrative assistant. Dog walks in and applies for the job. Manager (who apparently is not surprised by anything) tells dog he can't hire him because, after all, he IS a dog. Dog says, "Test me." Dog goes to keyboard on computer and types 85 words per minute, sets up a spreadsheet, and answers e-mail messages. Manager says, "Okay, pretty good, but you also have to be multi-lingual." Dog says, "Meow."

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- Rocky Balboa on the 2017 Arizona Diamondbacks, those comeback kids


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 11:20 am 
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At this time of heightened security in Europe it's important to review how our allies handle terrorist threats.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA." Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "We hope Australia will come and rescue us."

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and, "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Meet the new new FO... Same as the old new FO. The bag may be permanent.


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:51 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:37 pm 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m19ZninVeO8

TJ Miller
this guy is hilarious,he played Marmaduke on the highly underrated comedy Carpool

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“In place of thoughts it has impulses, habits, and emotions.” ― Edward L. Bernays


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:52 pm 
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Top 10 reasons to become a nurse: (my favorite is #6)
10. Pays better than McDonald’s (though the hours aren’t as good).
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
8. Needles: ‘Tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops - eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.
3. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends … at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:36 pm 
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Desperado Joke

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 2:23 pm 
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What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 3:48 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 4:31 pm 
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lol


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:53 pm 
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AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2.The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3.The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4.The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5.The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6.The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.



THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 7:59 am 
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:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 10:32 am 
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Saw this and couldn't resist...

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread
 Post Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 3:07 pm 
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It's a hell of a way to go.


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